"e"tiquette

I have written about social media before and how the changing dynamics of etiquette irks me. Yet here I am again, writing about it. Why, you ask. Its getting worse. Our greed for shortcuts has compromised the quality of communication greatly. From bad grammar to acronyms to emoticons to plain bad etiquette. The art of communication is fast becoming lost on us.

The “e”-dynamic

I recently attended a presentation about communication and it placed great importance on the mindset of the “receiver”, in getting across the correct message. The technology today, although facilitates communication yet it has presented us with a complex challenge of “connecting” with the audience.

Consider this: You write an email/text message, Come out! Now you were excited about something and wanted the receiver to come out right away to share the excitement. The receiver on the other hand, had a stressful day at work and reads this and thinks,  Oh great! Now she is mad too! She hastily types back “what’s your problem?” You can pretty much guess how this goes.

Texting has “text” and punctuation only helps so much however the sender should be careful to communicate their emotions clearly – if the text is emotional. If however, its a business email/text, then it should as void of emotion as McDonalds is of nutrition (ouch!). WARNING: Void of emotion does not mean void of akhlaq (etiquette).  The Quran teaches us the art of letter-writing for when Moosa AS wrote to the queen of Saba, he started his letter with “Bismillah” so right away we remind ourselves and the receiver of the watchful eye of our Lord; and right away we hold Him witness to what we write.

When you write a text/ email, make sure you read it from all angles possible. Avoid using ambiguous statements which may make perfect sense in person but remember the receiver cannot see the “eye-roll” in the email. Avoid emailing when emotionally charged. If you feel the urge to write someone when you are too emotional; type out the text and save it in drafts. Review when you are calmer.  And lastly, try your best to not email or text important/emotional convos, or atleast follow it up with a phone call or visit to clarify any misunderstanding.

In brief, care about the message, care about the receiver and handle accordingly. Our prophet SAWW, the ones who epitomised brilliance of character showed care in each of his interactions. His message was always relevant, clear and considerate and hence he “connected” with the audience whether it was a child, his wife or a congregation of non-believers.

Emoticons – the messiah of virtual communication

Apparently, you can ask someone for anything and end with a smiley and it makes it ok. It actually does! Many a times I end a difficult convo with a smiley (winky for the really tough ones) just to make it cordial. A meme i read recently, said Thank you LOL for being there when i had nothing else to say. How true is that?!  On a serious note though, emoticons are great and all but they donot replace emotions and context and tone are still very relevant.

Let me diverge a little here - What you see rampant on social media these days though is cross-gender convos having smileys, winkys and lol. Umm excuse me... did you get the memo about how cross-gender convos should go? What we aren’t allowed to do in person with each other, how are we allowed it on social media? Our texts to the other gender (non-mahram) should be relevant and to the point and we should consider exhausting other more halal options before approaching the non-mahram. Although this wouldn’t apply if you were referring to a scholar for advice/help – no smileys please.

Im sure we have all seen young men and women hitting it off, all under the guise of “dawah” work. Ofcourse it is inevitable to cross paths with the other gender, even in dawah work, but the interaction should be carefully guarded and definitely limited. Keep reminding yourself, when a man and woman are alone together – shaytan is the third among them. It applies to social media too – surprise! How a “relevant” text turns into an entire conversation and future conversations, is all shaytans work.

#WhoCares

Hashtags are the new thing, apparently you missed that memo too eh? The attitude of youth for the last decade, perhaps longer has been just that – who cares? People say it so much and so casually that it has actually become real. We don’t care. Except that being social animals that we are, we are inevitably in need of each other and must care. When we post photos/statuses on facebook in the spirit of “who cares”; as in we don’t care what anyone thinks, we are who we are, facebook is not my life, my status is not about you etc etc  - why exactly did we post it then. Its social media – you post something that you want to share, and others to see. If you didn’t care- why share! When we put ourselves out there, we are doing just that and we expose ourselves and our vulnerabilities to all sorts of people. Allah created each of us and bestowed us with izzah (honor), we must honor ourselves in order for others to do so. Let’s not reveal things about us that should only be privy to dear ones. Let’s care about ourselves enough to keep the social media platform a means to communicate and not show-off or advertise. Let’s care about each other to cover each others weaknesses as we would like Allah to cover ours in this dunya and the Hereafter.  #wecare

When West met East :)

I've just come back from a vacation to the UAE and Pakistan. This was my first time back with the niqab.... yeah I KNOW! Alhamdolillah, it went well and I live to tell the story :) Both these places were once home to me and its strange how once familiar faces and places seem inhospitable... or maybe it was the niqab! On the flip side, there were some close friendships which grew closer and this time for the sake of Allah SWT. But this writeup is not about that part of my trip, rather about the differences I found between practicing Muslims living in a "Muslim" land vs a non-muslim land. The main difference is that here we are trying to save our Iman from a largely non-muslim environment. Thats how we are raising our kids too and hence we limit exposure to TV (watching the content closely) and make sure we spend time with them and know who their friends are (and their mums!). We are close-knit with the Muslim community at large, trying to instill values from the Sunnah of brotherhood and avoiding gheebah. We are working hard to get ourselves and our kids an Islamic education so they know their roots. We read labels like no-ones business so that we may eat halal. Alot of us are involved in youth counselling and da'wah work. We try to be responsible citizens as we consider ourselves ambassadors of our deen; to the extent that we dont steal parking-spots and wait in lines PATIENTLY!
Initially, I was a little taken aback when i found these elements almost missing from people there. Soon however, i understood that these were not their concerns. Living in a Muslim land, even if only in name - their Iman is being nurtured by the environment and hence their concerns are focussed on the tiny kinks like should we listen to nasheed, or that scholar is only "mostly" right hence we should avoid him, or you must cover properly or else! Granted, all these are valid but it seemed very authoritarian to me till I understood that this is the difference between living here and there. They can focus on gaining knowledge and have many avenues to spreading it; their kids already have Muslim friends, they just need to see what kind of Muslims, there is plenty of halal entertainment hence avoiding nasheeds is not a big deal; they dont need big Islamic conferences as the work is being done on a state level and Islamic congregations are held at many places. They have the luxury to focus on micro issues. Alhamdolillah! both serve to strengthen our Iman and not only that, I also understood how Allah SWT has split our work. How merciful He is!
Mainly, I'd like to address my friends and family on both ends of the world to try and find common ground as our circumstances are different but our motive is one - to please Allah SWT. We should avoid pinpointing mistakes in lives in these different parts of the world and try to live in piety wherever we are as all land belongs to Allah. We must appreciate our differences and challenges and try to adapt to situations we are placed in. It was the will of Allah SWT and we must adhere. Inshallah!

To go “back” or not to go “back”… In the light of Surat Yusuf

The gems from Surat Yusuf are too many and much too deep to ever be condensed into one tafsir, let alone one article; but a recent study of the surat drew light on a burning issue – Should I go back (to my homeland) or should I stay? SubhanAllah, Surat Yusuf has many parallels to our lives in this society and Inshallah in this article I will point to a few.

So, when they took him away, they all agreed to throw him down to the bottom of the well, and We inspired in him:"Indeed, you shall (one day) inform them of this their affair, when they know (you) not." (v15)

To begin with, let’s look at Yusuf AS’s forced transfer to Egypt. It wasn’t what he wanted or what his father has thought out for him; but Allah’s plan for him was different – so they both submitted and exhibited sabr. Similarly, the decision to come here or live here may not be ours entirely but Allah has willed us to be here so we should be thankful and see what our purpose here could be. We should make du’a that Allah takes from us the work he put us here to do.

And when he [Yusuf] attained his full manhood, We gave him wisdom and knowledge (the Prophethood), thus We reward the Muhsinun (doers of good) (v22)

Secondly, although Yusuf AS was not kept as a slave (in its full meaning), he however had no free will. He had suddenly been pulled out of a pious home, a pious land into people who were idol-worshippers. Just imagine his situation, he was the only “Muslim” in all of Egypt! Yet, he did not give up his deen. He accepted his situation as the will of Allah, but he did not assimilate. Alhamdolillah, we are blessed to be living here WITH free will and a healthy community of Muslims; yet we find ourselves complacent and trying our best to “fit in” even at the cost of our Iman.

And she, in whose house he was, sought to seduce him (to do an evil act), she closed the doors and said: "Come on, O you." He said: "I seek refuge in Allah (or Allah forbid)! Truly, he (your husband) is my master! He made my stay agreeable! (So I will never betray him). Verily, the Zalimun (wrong and evil-doers) will never be successful." (v23)

Yusuf AS was harassed (by Aziz’s wife) and wrongfully accused, and spent many years in prison. He said:"O my Lord! Prison is more to my liking than that to which they invite me..” (v33)He spoke up to defend his honor, yet he preferred to be imprisoned than displease Allah SWT.

(They said): "Inform us of the interpretation of this. Verily, we think you are one of the Muhsinun (doers of good )(v36)

Did he become bitter and vengeful? We see from the comments of his fellow cellmates that on the contrary not only did he keep his ikhlaq, he had earned their trust and had continued da’wah behind bars. "O two companions of the prison! Are many different lords (gods) better or Allah, the One, the Irresistible? (v39).Living as a minority group can be challenging but if we have our goal in mind; if we are striving to fulfill our purpose, Allah’s help will be with us. We will only be tried as much as we can bear. We must always think of this when we have been wronged.

Upon being set free, Yusuf AS was invited to become the King’s consort. So not only was he a free man, he also had the financial means to go “back” to his family. Yet, not only did he choose a harder job (as minister of agriculture), he chose to stay in Egypt. He chose to help the same people who had enslaved him, harassed him, accused him and imprisoned him. Now that’s goodwill! He had khair in his heart for the people and could not leave knowing, they would perish without his help. SubhanAllah! How Allah made this very decision of his a means to re-unite with his family.

We must learn from this story that if we constantly question our life here; not only are we ungrateful we are also unproductive. We can never do effective da’wah till we have real concern for the people; we must not harbor hate and resentment – hate the sin, not the sinner. Allah has chosen us from millions of people to be here, to propagate the true path. Are we refusing this opportunity?

Indeed in their stories, there is a lesson for men of understanding. It (the Qur'an) is not a forged statement but a confirmation of the Allah's existing Books [the Taurat (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel) and other Scriptures of Allah] and a detailed explanation of everything and a guide and a Mercy for the people who believe.(v111)

Wierd but True! Part 3

So here's another installment in the series of Wierd but True - my adventures with the niqab.

I went to Buffalo, NY for a shopping trip - as its a hop, skip and a jump away from Mississauga. La lalala, im strolling through Marshalls, randomly checking out the collection. I notice a 50+ woman, ogling me but I ignore as im used to being ogled at. She did some more ogling, and then some more till I guess she couldnt take it anymore and she says, "Arent you feeling hot?" she looked way more flustered than I! Very politely I replied "No, I'm not" (thanks for asking?). She walks off, while i was answering but then she comes back for seconds! "You are in the United States now, you dont have to do this (points to niqab) - you are beautiful!" She was actually spewing the "compliment". Very frustrated and caught a little by suprise, as i wasnt expecting her to return so quick I said "Yes, I know I'm beautiful. Thank you very much", as enthusiastically as i could. Obviously she didnt wait for my reply. Apparently, the "empathetic" advice was meant to sound like an insult.
I was fuming! Then I tried to relax myself and all the possible comebacks start coming to my head. Im thankful, atleast i was polite. I kept my cool (albeit on the outside). Allah didnt let me down in my eyes and hopefully in His eyes.
Same day, on the way back we stopped for a bite at Niagara. While sitting outside a shawarma place, a "Muslim" lady tells me " Can i say something?" Oh boy! "Why you have to do this? Its not in Islam. I mean i understand the scarf, but Mohammad (saw) didnt say to so this." Ya Allah! Twice in one day, I was on a roll. I explained, very briefly, how there are MANY reports of how the women dressed and the face veil being a part of that. She didnt want to believe me. "You are torturing yourself like this. Why are you giving your body pain" I said, "I havent been happier or more at peace, since i chose to wear the veil. My body is not getting tortured, nor am I in pain." She shrugged. Wow! People really only listen to what they want to - i could have just said laa dee daa and she wouldnt have known the difference.
Lesson: Always think ahead. I'm a poster for da'wah and i better accept that fact. Choose one of 2 things when answering a question: either invite to Tawheed, or simply show good manners.

Thats it for now folks... watch this space for more Inshallah... i live an exicting life Alhamdolillah!

I Accept = I Submit

Have you heard the story of Yusuf AS? I mean, besides the part that he was so handsome SubhanAllah, that women cut themselves! In short, Yusuf AS was thrown in a well by his brothers, out of jealousy, sold as slave, grew up in Egypt far away from his homeland and family, was unjustly sent to prison and then made made minister of agriculture upon release.
Imagine he was a pious god-fearing adolescent/teen, son of a prophet, the apple of his father's eye - yet when he's thrown in the land of mushriks, as a second-class citizen he does not complain ONCE. He accepts! When he is sent to prison, without ever having commit a crime, he doesnot complain - rather chooses his sentence over the fitna of the women. He accepts! He patiently awaits his release and continues his da'wah, even in prison. When he is released, he could easily have gone back home; instead he chooses to help the Egyptians with their agriculture and a famine he knew would strike soon. His patience and submission is exemplary! But why is this story in the Quran, why was our beloved Prophet SAW told about it, why are we told about it?
We may be in a situation that we did not choose, among people we'd rather not be with, in a circumstance we did nothing to deserve,  we may face persecution for our beliefs, and our good intention may be doubted BUT we must accept. We must know this is the will of Allah SWT, submit to it and hold steadfast; and keep on working. Just like Yusuf AS did.
Chin up soldier!

Wierd but True! Part 2

Canada has a (money-minting) graduated licensing system. So i had to get my "G" license before my G2 expired. I had given my G2 test with a really nice non-muslim MALE instructor. Since then, i have donned the niqab and gained more deeni (religious) perspective; so im feeling nervous about taking lessons without a mahram present. I make lots of dua that this deed doesnt go against me on the day of judegment. The guy comes to pick me, and i figured he wouldn't recognize me from my pre-niqab days. It had been 3 years AND i had moved. But he did! I had climbed down 2 flights of stairs and was very nervous, so i was a little out of breath. This is how he broached the topic. "If you dont mind, please dont mind i just want to tell you that the reason you have difficulty breathing is because you have this (niqab) on your face. Maybe you want to tie it a little lower. please dont mind." At first, I DID mind but then he continued. He is a sikh guy so wears the net around his beard. He said see i tie this (under his chin) and initially I had difficulty too. I was like yeah, ok, whatever. Then he asked me " you didnt use to wear this before, you only covered your head - whats with the change? is it a religious problem?" I was like yes! dawah opportunity. I explained that it was not a problem at all Alhamdolillah and i felt like taking it. So lesson1 ends with pretty much that.
Come time for lesson 2, and the instructor says can i ask you something. Whats one to say to that except go ahead. He asked me how should one pray, if they really want something to get done? I said, you should make dua and then have faith that what will unfold will be better for you. He was like no but this thing really needs to happen - like it cant not happen. He explained the situation to me. My answer was still the same. In my head though i was thinking how to gear this towards Tawheed. So, i told him if you are so hell-bent that it has to happen this way - why dont you go make it happen. Can you? he's like no. I said, so the fact that you need to ask God to help you - means He has some power that you dont? he's like yeah. Then i said you need to understand who Rabb is. You need to have faith in the one you are bowing down to. He is only one who can grant you anything, or take it away from you. I stressed the oneness a bit more. He wasnt fully convinced, i could tell. He almost had expected me to pull out a piece of paper he could tie somewhere, for his wish to be granted. When i said all he needed for faith, that seemed too simple.
Sadly thats the case with most of the ummah now. They simply dont believe in prayer. How much more hypocritical could you get if you are bowing to Allah and actually depending on people or chances?
Anyway, my deduction was that my niqab gave him the impression that i was a religious person and i have some magical answers. He must really have been desperate to ask a person of a different faith! I tried to tie his faith with tawheed as best i could. May Allah guide him.
ps: for those who dont know, he understands the word rabb and dua - since they exist in his language.

Wierd but True! Part 1

So this is part 1 in a series about my experiences with the niqab that are Wierd but true :) and above all could be loosely classified as da'wah.
I goto the bank to deposit a cheque (check for you Americans!). I hand in my driver's license for identification and the teller tells me oh you're so beautiful, is that why you cover your face? Im caught between feeling embarassed and puzzled as how to quickly answer this bizarre question. I laugh it off nervously. She tells me, all Muslims dont wear this - why is that? Oh my God, did she just ask me a fiqh question?? So, i politely say its a matter of personal choice and i like to do this (pointing to my face). Refer to my note about pre-thinking situations so you arent caught off-guard. I definitely was! (http://mariam-jannahseeker.blogspot.com/2011/10/walking-dawah-machine.html)
I exit the bank wondering, should i feel flattered that she complimented me? Ummmmm, a question that was to be answered in the coming months as i was to soon find out people LOVE telling you that you are beautiful as a way to compensate for the "oppression". And what a sexist remark to make anyway - ok so its either that im sooo beautiful that i feel the need to cover or that i'm sooooo unattractive that the world cannot bear to see me! Do these people not hear themselves? Ugh! disappointed in the standards the world has set to judge by appearances!

Wierd but True...watch this space for more.

The walking dawah-machine

Since I have worn the niqab, I have gotten more questions in one year than I did in 7+ years of wearing just the hijab.  There are one of two reasons people will question you, they are genuinely curious (rare) or they want to prove you are wrong/oppressed. Needless to say I have come across the latter more often. As aggravating as it is, I realized Allah SWT is fulfilling my very wish – I wanted to do dawah and now I get to dispense information about my deen and who knows who Allah will guide and I would have served as in instrument. 

An important thing to do is pre-think certain scenarios and the kinds of questions you could be asked. This is applicable to hijabis too, however having been on both sides of the spectrum;  I faced frequent and tougher critics after the niqab. I have learned it the hard way, and Alhamdolillah I walked away unscathed but there was definitely chance of some serious damage.  If I am going to be at the doctors where I have one-on-one time with doctor/nurse/assistant/technician; chances of being asked something are higher.  I strategize.  One very important point is that you will probably have 15 seconds to justify your point of view/ answer the question. Don’t go into details of hadith and sunnah – words which will mean nothing to a non-muslim. I was randomly asked at a breakfast place by the cook behind the counter:  How come you are wearing this (pointing to my niqab) and your friend is only covering her head? Yeah, I know! How do you answer that in 2 seconds? I did the best I could, I wish I was better prepared.

There is great deal of unawareness among the muslims today. I may be speaking of born-muslims only, though. Muslims are unaware of their impact or the light they carry. They are careless of it. It’s time to change and live like the ummah was meant to… with enlightenment, awareness, contemplation, conviction and honesty.

Alhamdolillah, my niqab has turned me into a walking dawah-machine and I love it, for the sake of Allah ofcourse.

Can i do Da'wah?

I know I'm not a good muslim, I do not pray as much or as well as I should, my ikhlaq (character) has a long way to go to reach the level required for a mo'min, i do not have enough knowledge (what is that, anyway), i sin often and do not ask forgiveness often enough... i know i'm not a good muslim. How can i do da'wah? thats for the good people to do.
I have heard many revert stories (they are so interesting and an eman rush too), mostly i noticed how they were led to Islam through their own intellect and the search for truth or were influenced by some "good" muslims. Recently though, i have been exposed to a whole new kind - reverts who were led to Islam by totally non-practicing muslims. Now is that something those muslims should be proud of, not necessarily because when Allah decides to guide someone, He will. SubhanAllah! But it got me thinking, those muslims probably dont even know they influenced someone so much. I probably dont know how i influence people either. I can only wish, someone - even one person has been led to the right path through me. But i dont know, and im not doing it consciously so i will never know.
Coming back to the first question. How can i do da'wah? I can, because its in my fitrah to leave an impression upon people - through the light of Islam thats in my heart. I just need to be aware that i am in that position, where people around me could be seeking peace or truth and find it through an action or word of mine.
I dont know if this write up is cohesive. But i just pieced together the ayah where Allah says He has raised up this Ummah "for" the people (which necessitates enjoining in good and forbidding evil.) with these revert stories because even in our ignorant stupor, we are innately leading people to the truth. However, to reap real results and actual reward, we need to be aware of this influence.

كُنتُمۡ خَيۡرَ أُمَّةٍ أُخۡرِجَتۡ لِلنَّاسِ تَأۡمُرُونَ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِ وَتَنۡهَوۡنَ عَنِ ٱلۡمُنڪَرِ
Surah Aal Imran Verse 110 

Pls do comment and let me know if this made sense, or you got what i was trying to explain. JazakAllahu Khairan

Da'wah

Like a lot of you out there,i too held a strong desire to do da'wa; even when i didnt know how to or whom to. Initially i held back because i felt i needed to more ilm (knowledge) and before i knew it, i had transformed into a "nobody". Lesson 1: You never stay stagnant, either you grow or regress. Lesson 2: Da'wa doesnt need degrees upon degrees in Islam. The Prophet SAW said we must give dawa even if by one kalimah (word). When you think you cant say anything "just yet", its shaytan stopping you (do i really need to tell you why). Lesson 3: Knowledge grows when you spread it - you hold steadfast to what you preach and you find more opportunities to learn.
So the next challenge was whom to give da'wa to? This will differ for everyone. But needless to say it starts from  your inner circle. Think of it like you have a special treat, who would you share it with? Here's a footnote: you must have true concern for those you preach.
I started feeling it may be easier to give da'wa to muslims, who are eager to listen or to those who atleast respect the information and you generally have a soft spot for loved ones and Muslims in general- but what about non-muslims? Now, since i'm a female active da'wa to non-muslims is not really in my realm of responsibilities but for all those for whom it is, this may help. It was a little unimaginable, for me atleast, to have real concern (of akhirah) for my non-muslim grocer/neighbor/bus driver and i was praying to Allah that i somehow develop this well-wishing attitude. You know what helped? and this is ironic - da'wa. yep! i recently handed a da'wa CD to a neighbor who i am not all that fond of and i didnt even realise it till weeks later that i dont dislike him as much now. SubhanAllah, that is the power of Da'wa.
FINAL LESSON: Spread the word and it will soften you heart, Inshallah!!