Marriage. It’s a topic close to my heart. I suppose because I’m
married (!) and also because Ive always believed in the sanctity of this
relationship. However, it was not until I understood it from the Quran that I
realized its true purpose and sanctity.
The idea of marriage that I grew up with was largely a fairy tale – more like an exaggerated wedding. Ofcourse, that fantasy can be found in the relics of my memory files titled “Every lie about adulthood”. I rolled with the punches and finally settled with the ‘actual’ idea, but then I was struck with some more blows. These were more along the lines of ‘what my life was… ‘, ‘ how my life could have been different…’ and some serious ones like ‘wasn’t I better off…’, ‘why do I need this…’ Each time, I pulled myself back from these to remind myself of the good things and sometimes I was snapped out from these reveries by the cries of hungry kids (mine!). Some more years went by. I started to question whether my approach to my rebel thoughts was the right one, mostly because it gave me only temporary relief and was making me discontented. Now I am one not used to being discontented – I need to find peace. So, I turned to the source of all peace – Allah, As Salam. Its not like I hadn’t been praying all along, I just started doing so more intently and being more specific about my issues. That’s when the penny dropped.
Just like my adolescent idea of marriage was unreal, so was my idea of its purpose. Generally in the South Asian culture (and I will go as far as saying the Arab... correct me if I’m wrong), girls are reared to think marriage is the culmination of life! It is with a man that a girl will have security – both financial and societal and all good girls get married, all fun and independence is to be had post-marriage. Let’s assess those, especially in today’s day and age. South Asian girls are more educated than ever before and having worked through or right after uni, they are financially independent; social circles are larger than ever not leaving much room for feeling lonely (quite the contrary I believe!), singlehood is not as big a taboo and having intimate friendships with the opposite sex is a norm. Good girl definitions (domesticated/polite/obedient/cooks like a pro) are outdated. Given even half that, the entire premise for getting married is blown out the water! Ok, so the girl cant have kids without getting married first, but really would she be willing to give all this up to fulfill her maternal instinct. So its no surprise that more and more girls are discontent with their marriages because they feel they have quite literally signed their life off. So exactly why should I get married?!
Marriage is an act highly recommended by Allah SWT and a Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, so there has to be a deeper meaning than what we’ve imagined of it. I have discovered the purpose of marriage is quite closely linked to the purpose of life itself – it is an act of worship; a continuous worship that holds a great reward at every step. It’s a means to enjoying offspring and the companionship of the spouse. It is also a means to protect us from zina and whether we like to admit it or not, it also is protective of our honour. It is a means to please Allah SWT from the moment you wake and it is a means for you to send forth good deeds for the akhirah via pious children.
Anyone who is married can attest to how much they need to call upon Him for strength and sabr. How many times they have been thankful for the blessings they enjoy, how many times they have cried and made istighfar for their shortcomings in the relationship. I have realized through these trials how being married has made me constant in my dhikr of Allah. Alhamdulillah! So marriage is much bigger than financial dependency and all that – it is a means to get closer to Allah SWT.
This is what I would like to tell my younger self: being married is hard work and having children is tough, and loving your partner is a constant struggle but Allah is watching and He does not miss anything. He has placed a reward for you in your smile for your husband, and your dressing up for him; your cooking and cleaning; your rearing children and everything that you do to keep the relationship afloat – just keep the focus on pleasing Allah SWT through this relationship.
Being married is not the end all be all of life, however. If Allah has chosen for someone to remain single – then that will become the person’s means to His closeness because for sure He would not place us in a position where we cannot attain salvation. But for those who are married, this bond is greater than the two of you – it is quite literally the building blocks to your Jannah – so build it eagerly and protect is ferociously.
May Allah put barakah in our unions and make it a source of
His pleasure. Ameen.
وَمِنْ
ءَايَـتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَجًا
لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَلِكَ لَءَايَـتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that
you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection
and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.
[30:21]
