Happily ever after..

Marriage. It’s a topic close to my heart. I suppose because I’m married (!) and also because Ive always believed in the sanctity of this relationship. However, it was not until I understood it from the Quran that I realized its true purpose and sanctity. 

The idea of marriage that I grew up with was largely a fairy tale – more like an exaggerated wedding. Ofcourse, that fantasy can be found in the relics of my memory files titled “Every lie about adulthood”. I rolled with the punches and finally settled with the ‘actual’ idea, but then I was struck with some more blows. These were more along the lines of ‘what my life was… ‘, ‘ how my life could have been different…’ and some serious ones like ‘wasn’t I better off…’, ‘why do I need this…’ Each time, I pulled myself back from these to remind myself of the good things and sometimes I was snapped out from these reveries by the cries of hungry kids (mine!). Some more years went by. I started to question whether my approach to my rebel thoughts was the right one, mostly because it gave me only temporary relief and was making me discontented. Now I am one not used to being discontented – I need to find peace. So, I turned to the source of all peace – Allah, As Salam. Its not like I hadn’t been praying all along, I just started doing so more intently and being more specific about my issues. That’s when the penny dropped.

Just like my adolescent idea of marriage was unreal, so was my idea of its purpose. Generally in the South Asian culture (and I will go as far as saying the Arab... correct me if I’m wrong), girls are reared to think marriage is the culmination of life! It is with a man that a girl will have security – both financial and societal and all good girls get married, all fun and independence is to be had post-marriage. Let’s assess those, especially in today’s day and age. South Asian girls are more educated than ever before and having worked through or right after uni, they are financially independent; social circles are larger than ever not leaving much room for feeling lonely (quite the contrary I believe!), singlehood is not as big a taboo and having intimate friendships with the opposite sex is a norm. Good girl definitions (domesticated/polite/obedient/cooks like a pro) are outdated. Given even half that, the entire premise for getting married is blown out the water! Ok, so the girl cant have kids without getting married first, but really would she be willing to give all this up to fulfill her maternal instinct. So its no surprise that more and more girls are discontent with their marriages because they feel they have quite literally signed their life off. So exactly why should I get married?!

Marriage is an act highly recommended by Allah SWT and a Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, so there has to be a deeper meaning than what we’ve imagined of it.  I have discovered the purpose of marriage is quite closely linked to the purpose of life itself – it is an act of worship; a continuous worship that holds a great reward at every step. It’s a means to enjoying offspring and the companionship of the spouse. It is also a means to protect us from zina and whether we like to admit it or not, it also is protective of our honour. It is a means to please Allah SWT from the moment you wake and it is a means for you to send forth good deeds for the akhirah via pious children. 

Anyone who is married can attest to how much they need to call upon Him for strength and sabr. How many times they have been thankful for the blessings they enjoy, how many times they have cried and made istighfar for their shortcomings in the relationship. I have realized through these trials how being married has made me constant in my dhikr of Allah. Alhamdulillah! So marriage is much bigger than financial dependency and all that – it is a means to get closer to Allah SWT. 

This is what I would like to tell my younger self: being married is hard work and having children is tough, and loving your partner is a constant struggle but Allah is watching and He does not miss anything. He has placed a reward for you in your smile for your husband, and your dressing up for him; your cooking and cleaning; your rearing children and everything that you do to keep the relationship afloat – just keep the focus on pleasing Allah SWT through this relationship.

Being married is not the end all be all of life, however. If Allah has chosen for someone to remain single – then that will become the person’s means to His closeness because for sure He would not place us in a position where we cannot attain salvation. But for those who are married, this bond is greater than the  two of you – it is quite literally the building blocks to your Jannah – so build it eagerly and protect is ferociously.

May Allah put barakah in our unions and make it a source of His pleasure. Ameen.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَ‌حْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَلِكَ لَءَايَـتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُ‌ونَ  

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. [30:21]

Take time to heal

Friends are a precious breed! They are the perfect sounding board and companion. They can be the encouragement or the word of caution. Friendships, like any relationship, need to be taken care of and fostered in a positive environment of  god-consciousness. We will afterall be raised on the deen of those whose company we keep!

Like any relationship though, this too can go sour. I had a friend and then we were not friends. It was the first time in my life that I had “lost” a friendship so it was a shock to me. I started questioning myself and my intentions and actions. I was also grateful for having lived such a great life that I had not had any such heartbreak before.  But this was a big one. It took a long time to heal; in fact I’m still a work in progress; which is exactly why I cannot re-friend this person. I have realized it is not that I’m hanging on to the past, or holding grudges rather that I have not reached that stage yet where I can be empathetic again.

I have been struggling with this for a long while. Should we abandon friends completely if something goes awry? Should I not take the higher road and move on from the place of hurt? I have been on soul-searching mission ever since. It weighed heavily on me that I may have become the ‘oppressor’ (in that i wasn't pursuing the friendship anymore), until I figured out that not everyone makes friends for life. So here is where I am now, I can be friend-"ly" but if I cannot stop myself at every juncture from bringing my guard up, or thinking ‘there she goes again..’ then I am not being sincere to the relationship. Hence, it is not time yet. I am still healing and it is my first time so I don’t know how long it will be or if I can ever muster that strength. I will take the time to heal. I will pray. For in prayer is my strength. I will pray for Allah to surround me with people who build me and not break me, I will pray that I am of those who build people. Allah loves those who love His creation, so I will pray that Allah enables my heart to love wholly.  

For now, I will pray for you from afar.

"O you who believe! Take care of your own selves. If you follow the right guidance and enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong no hurt can come to you from those who are in error. The return of you all is to Allah, then He will inform you about (all) that which you used to do." [5:105] 

Unmasking

I recently read an article by a Canadian born niqabi (veiled woman) who was responding to a ridiculous claim that women who cover their face are not truly Canadian – as in they don’t live out the Canadian life. Right away I was like woah! Why didn’t I think of writing my Canadian-ness with the niqab.  So here I am – disproving myths about the dead-beat life niqabis supposedly live.

I am not an out-doorsy person – perhaps because I grew up in metropolitan cities with little contact with nature. I do love being in the outdoors, just not the “sleeping in tents” part of it :P. However, living in Canada and raising my children here – I realized I had an excellent opportunity to finally discover this side of Canada and live like a ‘Canadian’.  I am not sure if this is politically correct – considering the vast landscape and cultural diversity found in Canada but oh well for argument sake, lets.

I have been in Canada for over 8 years now and I can guarantee that I have seen and explored more of Ontario than a lot of people who’ve lived their entire lives here and they don’t even wear a niqab.. gasp! The piece of cloth on my face is a personal choice – it represents nothing to the outside world. It is quite personal – yes its my identity because I choose to identify myself as a servant of God. I believe my veil is  a means to be closer to God.  This piece of cloth doesn’t take away anything from my personality. Some may argue that I cannot enjoy the open waters because of my garb or I cant feel the sun on my skin. I understand their “concern”, however for us the garb comes from a deeper place which may look restrictive to the outside world.  It is not my veil that restricts me, rather the prejudice. The reason I will not wear a 2 piece and jump in the pool has to do with my faith and its tenets. I believe the tenets placed by God are in my best interest and hence I choose to abide by them. It may not make sense to the others – it wasn’t meant to. But living in an inclusive society means you give me the benefit of doubt to make my lifestyle choices.

I love the summers like the next Canadian and I love digging my toes in the sand and wearing flip flops. I look forward to BBQs in the backyard and in the outskirts of the Niagara Escarpment. I look forward to camping (not the tent part L ) and frying eggs on my camp stove. I used to like hiking, but I am way too unfit and would rather lounge in the sun. My favorite season is Fall and the looking at the colors of the trees and walks in the crisp air. I love Spring and check out flyers for the cheapest top-soil so I can do over my herb patches. I love watching the kids play in their front yards – my, my they look so grown up after the winters!

I'm a Canadian and a niqabi and instead of thinking how different I look, I would rather think how we are all different; and appreciate how despite our differences we coexist through tolerance and understanding.