The homeschooling me

There are a million and one blogs on all types of big and small ways homeschooling has been beneficial to families! That’s the thing about homeschooling, it’s so personal and customized that each family will have its own method (or lack thereof) and each will find it beneficial in their own way. I have abstained from writing about it thus far because I felt I was way underqualified. I know, I know that goes against the core of the homeschooling principle but it’s early in the game and I’m still getting my feet wet. I have had a chance to settle in a little though and I’ve realized that whether or not we continue to homeschool, I have realized the benefits that it has for my family. 

The opportunity to spend time together at length without the rush of deadlines has allowed my kids and me to make mistakes. That sounds funny as a benefit but just let that sink in – how many of us allow ourselves mistakes? Often we don’t, we expect to pull parenting off without a hitch and ‘when’ we slip up; we are devastated and sometimes over compensate. Sounds familiar? That’s all of us. The difference in the last year and a half has been that I have had the time to really think through things. I don’t have to tell off the kids right away just because soon it will be dinner time and bed time and this and that. I don’t feel the need to remedy it instantly. I can put off the “telling off” till tomorrow; allowing them and myself to really review the mistake. For myself, if I have reacted in an unwarranted manner or something I wish I had done better; the fact that I have them for every hour of the day and the next will surely give me an opportunity to rethink my reaction the next time round. 

Even if the situation doesn’t repeat itself, I will have the time to make up for my monster-mom moment eg an extra smile, 5 minutes more on the computer – yeah im stingy that way! The luxury of time spent together allows for these moments.

Normally, our instinct to yell at the kids comes from (hormones?!) too little time and too much to do. There is homework to finish, some or the other extracurricular to do, perhaps a tuition or two, test to study for and all before bedtime and the next day its starts again – and that’s just their schedule! This lifestyle doesn’t give us much of a chance to let them and ourselves make a mistake because the next day is already charging its way in!

Make no mistake, it’s not a zen-like household – I have miles to go before I achieve my zen but then so do they. The luxury of time I get to spend with them has allowed me to learn that they too want to avoid doing things that upset me; they just need time and space to work it out – sometimes by repeating that mistake!

Happily ever after..

Marriage. It’s a topic close to my heart. I suppose because I’m married (!) and also because Ive always believed in the sanctity of this relationship. However, it was not until I understood it from the Quran that I realized its true purpose and sanctity. 

The idea of marriage that I grew up with was largely a fairy tale – more like an exaggerated wedding. Ofcourse, that fantasy can be found in the relics of my memory files titled “Every lie about adulthood”. I rolled with the punches and finally settled with the ‘actual’ idea, but then I was struck with some more blows. These were more along the lines of ‘what my life was… ‘, ‘ how my life could have been different…’ and some serious ones like ‘wasn’t I better off…’, ‘why do I need this…’ Each time, I pulled myself back from these to remind myself of the good things and sometimes I was snapped out from these reveries by the cries of hungry kids (mine!). Some more years went by. I started to question whether my approach to my rebel thoughts was the right one, mostly because it gave me only temporary relief and was making me discontented. Now I am one not used to being discontented – I need to find peace. So, I turned to the source of all peace – Allah, As Salam. Its not like I hadn’t been praying all along, I just started doing so more intently and being more specific about my issues. That’s when the penny dropped.

Just like my adolescent idea of marriage was unreal, so was my idea of its purpose. Generally in the South Asian culture (and I will go as far as saying the Arab... correct me if I’m wrong), girls are reared to think marriage is the culmination of life! It is with a man that a girl will have security – both financial and societal and all good girls get married, all fun and independence is to be had post-marriage. Let’s assess those, especially in today’s day and age. South Asian girls are more educated than ever before and having worked through or right after uni, they are financially independent; social circles are larger than ever not leaving much room for feeling lonely (quite the contrary I believe!), singlehood is not as big a taboo and having intimate friendships with the opposite sex is a norm. Good girl definitions (domesticated/polite/obedient/cooks like a pro) are outdated. Given even half that, the entire premise for getting married is blown out the water! Ok, so the girl cant have kids without getting married first, but really would she be willing to give all this up to fulfill her maternal instinct. So its no surprise that more and more girls are discontent with their marriages because they feel they have quite literally signed their life off. So exactly why should I get married?!

Marriage is an act highly recommended by Allah SWT and a Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, so there has to be a deeper meaning than what we’ve imagined of it.  I have discovered the purpose of marriage is quite closely linked to the purpose of life itself – it is an act of worship; a continuous worship that holds a great reward at every step. It’s a means to enjoying offspring and the companionship of the spouse. It is also a means to protect us from zina and whether we like to admit it or not, it also is protective of our honour. It is a means to please Allah SWT from the moment you wake and it is a means for you to send forth good deeds for the akhirah via pious children. 

Anyone who is married can attest to how much they need to call upon Him for strength and sabr. How many times they have been thankful for the blessings they enjoy, how many times they have cried and made istighfar for their shortcomings in the relationship. I have realized through these trials how being married has made me constant in my dhikr of Allah. Alhamdulillah! So marriage is much bigger than financial dependency and all that – it is a means to get closer to Allah SWT. 

This is what I would like to tell my younger self: being married is hard work and having children is tough, and loving your partner is a constant struggle but Allah is watching and He does not miss anything. He has placed a reward for you in your smile for your husband, and your dressing up for him; your cooking and cleaning; your rearing children and everything that you do to keep the relationship afloat – just keep the focus on pleasing Allah SWT through this relationship.

Being married is not the end all be all of life, however. If Allah has chosen for someone to remain single – then that will become the person’s means to His closeness because for sure He would not place us in a position where we cannot attain salvation. But for those who are married, this bond is greater than the  two of you – it is quite literally the building blocks to your Jannah – so build it eagerly and protect is ferociously.

May Allah put barakah in our unions and make it a source of His pleasure. Ameen.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَ‌حْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَلِكَ لَءَايَـتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُ‌ونَ  

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. [30:21]

Take time to heal

Friends are a precious breed! They are the perfect sounding board and companion. They can be the encouragement or the word of caution. Friendships, like any relationship, need to be taken care of and fostered in a positive environment of  god-consciousness. We will afterall be raised on the deen of those whose company we keep!

Like any relationship though, this too can go sour. I had a friend and then we were not friends. It was the first time in my life that I had “lost” a friendship so it was a shock to me. I started questioning myself and my intentions and actions. I was also grateful for having lived such a great life that I had not had any such heartbreak before.  But this was a big one. It took a long time to heal; in fact I’m still a work in progress; which is exactly why I cannot re-friend this person. I have realized it is not that I’m hanging on to the past, or holding grudges rather that I have not reached that stage yet where I can be empathetic again.

I have been struggling with this for a long while. Should we abandon friends completely if something goes awry? Should I not take the higher road and move on from the place of hurt? I have been on soul-searching mission ever since. It weighed heavily on me that I may have become the ‘oppressor’ (in that i wasn't pursuing the friendship anymore), until I figured out that not everyone makes friends for life. So here is where I am now, I can be friend-"ly" but if I cannot stop myself at every juncture from bringing my guard up, or thinking ‘there she goes again..’ then I am not being sincere to the relationship. Hence, it is not time yet. I am still healing and it is my first time so I don’t know how long it will be or if I can ever muster that strength. I will take the time to heal. I will pray. For in prayer is my strength. I will pray for Allah to surround me with people who build me and not break me, I will pray that I am of those who build people. Allah loves those who love His creation, so I will pray that Allah enables my heart to love wholly.  

For now, I will pray for you from afar.

"O you who believe! Take care of your own selves. If you follow the right guidance and enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong no hurt can come to you from those who are in error. The return of you all is to Allah, then He will inform you about (all) that which you used to do." [5:105] 

Unmasking

I recently read an article by a Canadian born niqabi (veiled woman) who was responding to a ridiculous claim that women who cover their face are not truly Canadian – as in they don’t live out the Canadian life. Right away I was like woah! Why didn’t I think of writing my Canadian-ness with the niqab.  So here I am – disproving myths about the dead-beat life niqabis supposedly live.

I am not an out-doorsy person – perhaps because I grew up in metropolitan cities with little contact with nature. I do love being in the outdoors, just not the “sleeping in tents” part of it :P. However, living in Canada and raising my children here – I realized I had an excellent opportunity to finally discover this side of Canada and live like a ‘Canadian’.  I am not sure if this is politically correct – considering the vast landscape and cultural diversity found in Canada but oh well for argument sake, lets.

I have been in Canada for over 8 years now and I can guarantee that I have seen and explored more of Ontario than a lot of people who’ve lived their entire lives here and they don’t even wear a niqab.. gasp! The piece of cloth on my face is a personal choice – it represents nothing to the outside world. It is quite personal – yes its my identity because I choose to identify myself as a servant of God. I believe my veil is  a means to be closer to God.  This piece of cloth doesn’t take away anything from my personality. Some may argue that I cannot enjoy the open waters because of my garb or I cant feel the sun on my skin. I understand their “concern”, however for us the garb comes from a deeper place which may look restrictive to the outside world.  It is not my veil that restricts me, rather the prejudice. The reason I will not wear a 2 piece and jump in the pool has to do with my faith and its tenets. I believe the tenets placed by God are in my best interest and hence I choose to abide by them. It may not make sense to the others – it wasn’t meant to. But living in an inclusive society means you give me the benefit of doubt to make my lifestyle choices.

I love the summers like the next Canadian and I love digging my toes in the sand and wearing flip flops. I look forward to BBQs in the backyard and in the outskirts of the Niagara Escarpment. I look forward to camping (not the tent part L ) and frying eggs on my camp stove. I used to like hiking, but I am way too unfit and would rather lounge in the sun. My favorite season is Fall and the looking at the colors of the trees and walks in the crisp air. I love Spring and check out flyers for the cheapest top-soil so I can do over my herb patches. I love watching the kids play in their front yards – my, my they look so grown up after the winters!

I'm a Canadian and a niqabi and instead of thinking how different I look, I would rather think how we are all different; and appreciate how despite our differences we coexist through tolerance and understanding.

Surah Al-Qasas Verse 83

Notes taken at a brief session by Ustad AE. All Glory and praise is for Allah SWT alone, all good comes from Him and all faults are from my own self. These are my personal notes and not to be taken as Ustad's word verbatim.

Ayah 83 Surah Al Qasas :  That home of the Hereafter We assign to those who do not desire exaltedness upon the earth or corruption. And the [best] outcome is for the righteous. main focus of talk

The entire quran is relevant to every person. Even though Allah may be talking about the disbelievers or even firawn, if we analyse the ayah; it will apply to us and we will learn something for ourselves from it. So we can never look at a verse and say that it isn’t talking about me. Every muslim should try to find the message for them in every ayah.

The above verse speaks about 2 qualities, the absence of which is the cause for a “good  end” – “al –‘aaqibah” These 2 qualities are status/power and  corruption - ‘uluw and fasaad .  These 2 qualities are linked in the Quran in multiple places; and one does cause the other. The greed for power will cause corruption, whether willingly or otherwise. Islam does not allow the means to be justified by the end – hence one cannot take wrong measures to attain power in order to “fix” things – because he is causing fasaad, even though it may be unintentionally.

To understand the real and true meaning of a “good end”, a muslim must first fathom that this dunya is not meant to be comfortable and fun. According to the hadith of the Prophet SAW, this world is a “sijn” (prison) for the believer and Jannah for the disbeliever. Why did the prophet use “sijn”, he could have said its hard.. the idea he wanted us to grab is all the things a prison is associated with is exactly what this dunya is : so its not meant to be fun, or luxurious and its meant to be uncomfortable, strange, unjust, cruel, stifling, etc etc. The kuffar along with shaytan are making it a paradise for themselves, and want to drag you into it so you spend this life making this prison into Jannah when it can never be. Once you come to terms with what this dunya is, 1) you accept your circumstances and difficulties because you say I know its suppose to be tough 2) you know a better end, the best end awaits you. That is what the “good end” truly means. It is the only “good end” .. and it is for those who are not arrogant and don’t cause corruption/oppression.

These words are usually associated with political figures/ heads of states, etc but as stated earlier everything in the Quran is relevant to you. So you have to see how you are seeking status among people and how you are/could be the cause of someones’ or your own destruction.
One of the tools of destruction that the kuffar have employed is “interest”. It is the greatest oppression of its kind; however we must analyse why and how we get ourselves in situations which trap us in interest. Why are we so materialistically attached to this dunya (remember its supposed to be a prison!) that we must get ourselves into debt. Debt cannot be forgiven by Allah, because it is a right of the person you have borrowed from and only he can forgive it to you.

Having wealth or status is not impermissible and it has always existed and will always exist – it is the arrogance and feeling superior and demeaning others which is meant by the above verses.

Ibn Taimiyyah divided the people into 4 groups in his explanation of the ayah,
1)      Those who seek power and destruction eg bashar al assad
2)      Those who desire corruption without elevation, such as the thieves and criminals from the riff-raff amongst the people.
3)      The third type: Those who desire elevation without corruption, such as those who have the deen, they desire to elevate themselves by it over other than them amongst the people.
4)      Those who seek neither : this is the group that the good end is for. These people don’t want fame and don’t seek for themselves to be known, rather only spread the word and name of Allah. They would gladly give up what is rightfully theirs in order to maintain peace and are of those who join people not cause divide. Eg. Hasan ibn Ali RA who gave up his khilafa because not doing so would have spent the lives of 1000s of people although every companion would have backed him.
Al- Aali is Allah’s name and ‘uluw is His attribute and only He can have it.

Forgiveness - Giving it is getting it!

Forgiveness is one of those things that is easier said than done. As a younger person i believed in the mantra ‘forgive but never forget’. As I grew older (and wiser) I knew it was not possible to truly forgive without forgetting. Understanding this did not mean i was able to forgive – rather i now knew my weakness. I knew that every so often, I am reminded of the wrong I was done and ill-feelings even if not hate, start trickling into my heart.  So i tried blocking the memories and it worked for a while. Till I grew older still *sigh* (and wiser still!) and realised it was not possible to block memories as they make their way into your life and thinking at some point catching you off-guard.

So here is where I am now – dealing with the memories; accepting it as the will of my Creator which in some form were meant to purify me (hopefully they did). Once I came to terms with my past experiences, no longer feeling vulnerable or guilty or vengeful; I was ready to forgive. But the question was why should I? Why should I forgive people who brought about so much pain and misery? Why should i give them the satisfaction of feeling ok about what they did? Maybe if i forgive them, they will never know or pay for what they did? These are all the emotions and questions I go through every now and then.

Then moments of enlightenment like today’s jummah khutba happen. The khateeb talks about forgiveness as a means to leading a content life. If i know one thing about anger, it is that it makes you discontent.  The khateeb tells us that forgiving is not letting go rather it is taking control of the situation. You are incharge of how that relationship (or lack thereof) shapes up. A person who has hurt you deeply will tend to do it again. When you acknowledge your hurt and turn to Allah for solace and forgive for the sake of Allah; you are no longer in a position to be hurt again because you have already taken a higher road – a path that people who wrong you don’t tread.  Forgiving means you free yourself of emotions that do not serve you.

And let not those of virtue among you and wealth swear not to give [aid] to their relatives and the needy and the emigrants for the cause of Allah, and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. [Surah Al Noor Verse 22]

Here is my game plan – I will consciously think about my shortcomings and sins. I will think about how I would like to be standing in front of Allah SWT on the Day of Judgement with those sins and those shortcomings? Will I be able to justify any of it? Then I will think how it would be like to have all those sins forgiven! Everytime I have an ill-feeling creeping up, I will try and do this – I will forgive so that I may be forgiven. Allah knows how much forgiveness I need! It is indeed from Allah’s mercy to even allow us to forgive – just so He can bestow us with His forgiveness in return. Have you heard of a more merciful Lord!

Please make dua for me and for yourself if any of this hit home with you – may Allah clean our hearts and make us of the forgiving and forgiven. Ameen!

And hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden as wide as the heavens and earth, prepared for the righteous. Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people - and Allah loves the doers of good;[Surah Aal Imran, verse 133-134]

Boyz to Men

How many times have you felt like having husband is like raising another child? Its one of those universal truths we have come to accept. We have come to the point where we even start acting like mothers with them. I might add most of this content may be true for south-east Asian families. In the process of raising 2 sons, I am constantly trying to learn from my upbringing and its pros and cons – trying to find a better way to raise responsible men. I think it will take a few generations of conscientious mothers to make it a better world J

While reading the seerah I was amazed at how mature and self-sufficient all the young men were. Even our prophet sallallahu alaihi wassalam, was already an established, albeit not rich, but well-respected person by the tender age of 25. True, those times were different – but why should maturity suffer over generations. What I realized and im sure ive blogged about this before is, that this world dumbs down our children and in turn so do we. We are never willing to realize our sons are growing up. We realize it when they’ve already grown and perhaps even grayed! We don’t place any responsibility on them, because they are studying or working. What logic is that? What is their education worth, if they are irresponsible or unable to take care of their most basic needs. Mothers especially, are driving themselves insane running errands for their children along with prepping piping hot meals, running laundry loads etc. Then when the son is 15+, the same doting mothers are complaining about how the “child” doesn’t even pick up his socks! These same sons get married, and we have the wives whining about the socks. Another thing our men are incapable of is dealing with extended family dynamics. They have absolutely no idea why the wife is so upset that he doesn’t feel the need to attend his brother in laws wedding.

It may be too late to “fix” the husband lol, but lets do the world a favor and try and raise men. I basically back-tracked to our own childhood to see what wrongs can be made right. Here are a few things I’ve realized and am trying or will try. It’s very important to place age-appropriate responsibility on my children. They may do it wrong and my urge to fix it will be strong – but that will not teach them anything. I would rather show them how it’s done and then let them take and feel the ownership of the task. Some parenting websites list age-related chores – we may or may not choose to follow it to a tee – however it’s a good starting point. We should talk to our children – discuss our feelings with them. I tell my children when I’m not feeling well or even angry. They need to know that their mother and later on their wife is not super-women. We should involve our kids in extended family/ family friend dynamics. I try and let them know why we are visiting someone or they are visiting us. For example, if I am going to congratulate someone for getting married or having a baby – I will tell my children. Similarly, I will and have told them if someone passes away and how I felt about it. Not nitty gritty details, just getting them familiar with the concept. I would say that once my child is 10, I would make him even speak to the person I am congratulating or giving condolences to. How else will he learn what he is supposed to do? I remember feeling so so awkward when I had to give condolences for the first time. I just didn’t know the right words. I would hope my sons wouldn’t have to go through the same. When my husband was travelling, I would speak to my sons about missing him and how they should be more caring toward me in his absence. This may sound like im emotionally blackmailing them – it wasn’t as bad really. I don’t become emotional or weepy while saying it. It’s said once and it’s said in a very matter-of-factly kind of way. I talk to my sons about my hijab and why they cant let anyone in without asking/telling me (im not talking about opening the main door to strangers here!). Sometimes I ask them how my dress looks or how I look – I don’t do this often but I like their shy faces when they answer it J I would hope as they grow older, they will shoulder responsibility, value time and money and value emotions most importantly. Above all, make du’a for them – not just for their success and education but for them to be good people. We must not assume that just is simply because they are our children. Mercy is from Allah SWT and we must beg for it for ourselves and our generations.

I remember reading a quote “It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” -L.R. Knost

But finally, all my efforts are for my own salvation. As the hadith states

“Upon death, man’s deeds will stop except for three deeds, namely: a continuous charitable fund, endowment or goodwill; knowledge left for people to benefit from; and a pious righteous and God-fearing child who continuously prays to Allah, for the souls of his parents” (Muslim).