Lately, I have seen too many marriages fall apart or close to falling apart. Its heart-breaking especially when there are children involved. Its scary because when you have been married for a while; you KNOW your relationship is not unbreakable. If you have fooled yourself into believing that it is, then you better wake up and smell the coffee! Im not a pessimistic person at all but I am a realistic one so this post is not a dark, exaggerated version of my life. I know I have many flaws - some which bother my husband alot. I know there are many times when I dont try hard enough, or when I take things for granted. Upon analyzing my own relationship and those of close ones; I see that we have a great lack of mercy in us. We claim love for each other but we dont have the heart to overlook his/her faults.
And
among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among
yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you
affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who
reflect.(Surah Ar-Rum, 21)
When I had read this ayah, I was struck at how Allah has separated love from mercy. SubhanAllah! Couple of years ago, I questioned myself if I "loved" my husband. I had been married a little over 4 years. My idea of " love" at that point was still the emotional rush that you ONLY have in the first year of marriage. I was unconvincingly arguing with myself that i do care for him, i do want my marriage to last... etc etc. It was not until I read this ayah and others similar to this; that I understood what I should look for in my relationship and the buck stops with me!
Love is important but it is also transient. If you are living with a person till the proverbial "death do you part" - you must fully expect to have many many (many) days that you do not "love" them. What is it then that keeps the relationship afloat? Mercy. It is your willingness to go that extra step, just because. It is putting yourself in their shoes, and see things as they want you to. It is staying quiet in a fight, when you totally have a comeback. It is knowing that Allah has your back! It is mercy that will make you love them again. Infact this constant in your marriage will eventually grow the bond stronger and stronger.
Many a times we expect our spouses to be a certain way - romantically, physically, emotionally, financially, religiously - any or all of these! We try our sincerest to steer them in this direction and are horribly disappointed when we dont see the ugly duckling turn into the swan. We write off the person! Allah said man is impatient and indeed we are. We are so quick to judge those closest to us. Those about whom Allah has said they are like our garments. A lot of the times we distance ourselves from them and we believe the best way is to not have any expectations. This indifference creates a rift which lessens the mercy and increases the distances. We becomes strangers in the same house, till we dont even live in the same house.
We never think that our creator knows what is best for us and maybe certain people are put in our lives to change or better our mindsets. So what we believe to be the perfect situation, may not be so or that we ourselves are not ready for the change we want to see in our spouses. Instead of focusing on our own goals and actions thereof, we are just focusing on a wish list for what they should be. Dont forget the role of shaytan in all of this. He sees the crack and presents every opportunity for us to grow more and more dissatisfied.
Another thing that I see happening is that we feel we are so self-sufficent that we dont ask for help. Not from our family and not from Allah. We keep "dealing" with our issues till everything is too messed up and again the lack of mercy in our hearts lets us exaggerate and worsen the situation.
Allah says in the above ayah that HE puts the love and mercy in our hearts- so doesnt it only make sense to keep asking Him for it. Every married couple, no matter how long you have been married or how "solid" you think you guys are - should ask Allah to put love and mercy in both your hearts towards each other.
رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا (Surah Al Furqan, 74)
